To ----

Dear ----.
This is weird. I don't know if I'm in love with you, but I'm certainly completely and utterly crazy about you. Head-over-heels, taken by surprise. Can't quite believe it myself, if I'm honest. Because although it feels like this is just casual (and for your sake, I try to maintain that it is, because I know you don't want intensity right now) there is something in me screaming out that this is amazing. It's all so new, and yet so familiar. If this is love, I've been in love before. Except this still feels somehow different.

The memory of my previous boyfriends (when I was with them, thinking back over the time we'd spent together) would make me feel shivery and excited, awake, I suppose. You do that too, but in a different degree. It's all so much calmer. Particularly since we made the agreement that whilst you're away on holiday, we're allowed 'freedom'. I'm still not sure if I'm happy with that. Except, I am, because we've narrowed down the limits so that (in some way) I win. I come out on top, no matter what.

I'm so jealous though, I've never been jealous of my boyfriends' exes before, mainly because I've (deliberately?) gone out with guys for whom I am their first 'proper' girlfriend. And especially a girl like your ex. She's amazing, we all know that. And we all knew how crazy you two were about each other. I suppose I'm paranoid about the two of you because I don't understand how you can break up from such an intense relationship and yet remain friends, almost as though nothing's happened. It doesn't make sense. And the fact that she must have known exactly what she was doing, and how the two of you had so much 'experience' togeter. [editor's note: PG-13 stuff begins] Before I met you, I was (physically) innocent, in many ways. And yet, I'm not. It's all complicated, but I explained this to you, the first night we spent together. I'm terrified of guys with experience, and you know why. So we don't need to go into details. But you made it all safe. You made me feel protected, and even when I thought I was fine with everything, you picked up on the underlying terror I was feeling all along. How come you're so perceptive? I don't understand. So in some ways, I'm worried about this, because I feel so numb. I'm not used to this lack of, well, obsession. Normally when I'm crazy about someone, in the way I am about you, even the memory of kissing them, the memory of touching their hands, the way they looked at me at certain moments... those sorts of physical memories normally make part of me shiver, make me smile. Whereas with you, I'm almost physically numb. Is it because I'm scared? Because you know what you're doing? Because you've made it so... safe? Unless it's something deeper and this isn't right for me and I hadn't realised...[PG-13 stuff ends]

Except that it's definitely not that, because a few days ago, when we were talking and from something you were saying I was almost certain you were breaking up with me, I was terrified. I couldn't bear to lose you (already? After three weeks? Oh, my god. How pathetic must that seem?) And for instance, now, after I sent you that text at midnight last night, that slightly mad (creepy?) text telling you that I miss you already because you've gone on holiday and I might not see you for... oooh... a week? It's all true. I do miss you. I want you here, because when you are here, everything becomes so simple. Being in your arms, in your presence, the world makes sense. And now, of course, I'm terrified, because you haven't texted back. Maybe you've lost your phone - you can't have run out of credit, you're on contract - maybe your battery's died. Maybe you've already reached your destination and so you're busy, too busy to text. I don't know. But the lack of reply is making me feel anxious. I don't want you to think I'm crazy. Except that I am.

So yeah, your second girlfriend is also crazy. You do pick 'em, don't you.

Much love,

Cxxx