Dear Lauren,
Ah, Lauren. I go back to add “dear.” Often I worry it will not be taken well, but I know you’ll appreciate it. You really are an excellent companion; I miss talking to you tonight. You’re a kind soul and a natural thinker, but to describe might be to classify. Know, though, that description might not be able to do justice to how much I appreciate you.
We’ve both expressed having inklings of infatuation for the other (isn’t alliteration fun?), and my preference is generally to place as few stunters on blossoming relationships of any sort. Let’s not limit, not classify – if you will.
A rather short letter. It’s hard to write more, having said about all I can word and still knowing you less than I’d like. To refer to one of my favorite metaphors, I hope you reveal more of your stars soon.
Love and thank you so much,
Eldon, Satyesu…you know.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
To my dearest Love
My dearest Love:
Has it already been 5months since I learned of your existence? Time flies. I remember the party at my place. After everyone left, we sat and talked. I was so drawn to you then, and I didn’t even know you. Now, you seem to be part of my soul. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you.
Last night, I dreamt I heard you calling my name. I woke up in a sweat, the heat of my body was both nerves and the knowledge of my dream. [editor's note: PG-13 stuff starts?]I heard you calling out as you leapt over the precipice of lust, and you woke me from a deep sleep. My soul called out to you and I could not fall back to a restful slumber. One day, I will be there when you take that leap, and it will be both of us leaping together.[PG-13 ends]
I want to tell you something, yet I am scared to do so. I don’t want you to think I’m odd, or worse yet, crazy for saying this. Our souls have known each other for centuries. You even identified me by an old name. One that I have never told anyone before. So, to that end, I love you. I have known for a long time. I completely understand if you don’t. Love me, that is. I know that for some it is hard to love someone from messages and talking on the phone. [PG-13-ness starts]Someday soon, I hope we can meet again so we can explore the lust that follows the love I feel. [PG-13 ends]
For now, just know that I love you and that love is infinite.
I hope to meet you soon.
Love,
Lina
Has it already been 5months since I learned of your existence? Time flies. I remember the party at my place. After everyone left, we sat and talked. I was so drawn to you then, and I didn’t even know you. Now, you seem to be part of my soul. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you.
Last night, I dreamt I heard you calling my name. I woke up in a sweat, the heat of my body was both nerves and the knowledge of my dream. [editor's note: PG-13 stuff starts?]I heard you calling out as you leapt over the precipice of lust, and you woke me from a deep sleep. My soul called out to you and I could not fall back to a restful slumber. One day, I will be there when you take that leap, and it will be both of us leaping together.[PG-13 ends]
I want to tell you something, yet I am scared to do so. I don’t want you to think I’m odd, or worse yet, crazy for saying this. Our souls have known each other for centuries. You even identified me by an old name. One that I have never told anyone before. So, to that end, I love you. I have known for a long time. I completely understand if you don’t. Love me, that is. I know that for some it is hard to love someone from messages and talking on the phone. [PG-13-ness starts]Someday soon, I hope we can meet again so we can explore the lust that follows the love I feel. [PG-13 ends]
For now, just know that I love you and that love is infinite.
I hope to meet you soon.
Love,
Lina
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
To he who never noticed
To he who never noticed -
Hi. I don't know if you ever really noticed me, but I was the girl standing over there in the corner smiling at you the whole night. And all day at school. And all afternoon at the park. Oh and I waved hi to you at the mall, but I don't think you noticed, but it's okay. No, I'm not stalking you, it just so happens that our paths cross all the time and every time they do, it makes me smile. Yet, our paths cross all the time and I don't think you even know my name. That's an exaggeration, I know. I know you know my name, cause we were assigned to work on a history project together. You never actually showed up to work on it, but I didn't mind helping out and doing your share. I mean, that's what friends are for right? And I really liked studying about the space program so it was fine. No worries. I was a little upset though when you didn't show up for prom. You had said that you would dance with me. But again, I understand that you were busy or grounded or something - I'm sure you had a good excuse for forgetting to pick me up like you promised.
I was happy to bump into you at the bookstore. It seemed like ages since last I saw you. And you remembered my name! I could have done cartwheels I was so excited. You didn't need to apologize though for the history project, like I said, I enjoyed studying more about the space program, so it all works out. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with you. Who would have thought that after knowing you for seven years, you would finally want to hang out with me. I know you mean it just as friends, but the way you look into my eyes and that smile you give me I can't help but hope that maybe friendship might lead to something more. That maybe, just maybe you might finally see me.
But there I go again, hoping. It'll forever be my downfall I know. I am so unaccustomed to receiving attention from guys that when ever one does pay attention to me I can't help but hope that maybe there is something deeper behind it. You hold the door open for me and offered to pay for my movie ticket. You waited to see that I made it safely inside the house before you drove off. You shared your thoughts and dreams with me and came to my rescue when I needed help or a shoulder to cry on. We sat up till the early morning hours talking about life, the universe and everything and listening to movie soundtracks and discussing the latest comics. I loved the treat you gave me for my birthday. Walking through the apple orchard in the middle of the night hand in hand was the perfect way to end the evening. Though, it would have been better had you noticed the way I was looking into your blue grey eyes. You had your arm around me and yet I know you felt nothing. My hopes at finally being able to kiss you were dashed that evening.
Here we are now nearly twelve years later. We sit together on the sofa watching tv like an old couple snuggled up under a blanket and sipping hot cocoa. I lay my head on your shoulder and you put your arm around me and we sit and watch tv, making small comments every now and then. We go out for chinese and have our set pattens and customs. You tell the same jokes over again and I complain about work. Like clockwork you show me to the door at two in the morning and we hug. I occassionally pluck up enough courage to kiss you on the cheek, but I don't do it too often because I know it makes you uncomfortable. We say goodnight and the whole scene will repeat in two days time.
Tonight though I'm planning on changing the routine. Tonight is New Years Eve and tonight is the one night in the entire year that I can get away with kissing you and have it not be weird. Cause it's tradition you know - to kiss someone at midnight. If you become very uncomfortable I can save the situation and blame it on the holiday and we'll laugh it off. And if it doesn't make you uncomfortable, perhaps then, finally, after nearly twelve years of being right in front you, you might for one moment notice me and all of the love I have for you.
Hi. I don't know if you ever really noticed me, but I was the girl standing over there in the corner smiling at you the whole night. And all day at school. And all afternoon at the park. Oh and I waved hi to you at the mall, but I don't think you noticed, but it's okay. No, I'm not stalking you, it just so happens that our paths cross all the time and every time they do, it makes me smile. Yet, our paths cross all the time and I don't think you even know my name. That's an exaggeration, I know. I know you know my name, cause we were assigned to work on a history project together. You never actually showed up to work on it, but I didn't mind helping out and doing your share. I mean, that's what friends are for right? And I really liked studying about the space program so it was fine. No worries. I was a little upset though when you didn't show up for prom. You had said that you would dance with me. But again, I understand that you were busy or grounded or something - I'm sure you had a good excuse for forgetting to pick me up like you promised.
I was happy to bump into you at the bookstore. It seemed like ages since last I saw you. And you remembered my name! I could have done cartwheels I was so excited. You didn't need to apologize though for the history project, like I said, I enjoyed studying more about the space program, so it all works out. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with you. Who would have thought that after knowing you for seven years, you would finally want to hang out with me. I know you mean it just as friends, but the way you look into my eyes and that smile you give me I can't help but hope that maybe friendship might lead to something more. That maybe, just maybe you might finally see me.
But there I go again, hoping. It'll forever be my downfall I know. I am so unaccustomed to receiving attention from guys that when ever one does pay attention to me I can't help but hope that maybe there is something deeper behind it. You hold the door open for me and offered to pay for my movie ticket. You waited to see that I made it safely inside the house before you drove off. You shared your thoughts and dreams with me and came to my rescue when I needed help or a shoulder to cry on. We sat up till the early morning hours talking about life, the universe and everything and listening to movie soundtracks and discussing the latest comics. I loved the treat you gave me for my birthday. Walking through the apple orchard in the middle of the night hand in hand was the perfect way to end the evening. Though, it would have been better had you noticed the way I was looking into your blue grey eyes. You had your arm around me and yet I know you felt nothing. My hopes at finally being able to kiss you were dashed that evening.
Here we are now nearly twelve years later. We sit together on the sofa watching tv like an old couple snuggled up under a blanket and sipping hot cocoa. I lay my head on your shoulder and you put your arm around me and we sit and watch tv, making small comments every now and then. We go out for chinese and have our set pattens and customs. You tell the same jokes over again and I complain about work. Like clockwork you show me to the door at two in the morning and we hug. I occassionally pluck up enough courage to kiss you on the cheek, but I don't do it too often because I know it makes you uncomfortable. We say goodnight and the whole scene will repeat in two days time.
Tonight though I'm planning on changing the routine. Tonight is New Years Eve and tonight is the one night in the entire year that I can get away with kissing you and have it not be weird. Cause it's tradition you know - to kiss someone at midnight. If you become very uncomfortable I can save the situation and blame it on the holiday and we'll laugh it off. And if it doesn't make you uncomfortable, perhaps then, finally, after nearly twelve years of being right in front you, you might for one moment notice me and all of the love I have for you.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
To ----
Dear ----.
This is weird. I don't know if I'm in love with you, but I'm certainly completely and utterly crazy about you. Head-over-heels, taken by surprise. Can't quite believe it myself, if I'm honest. Because although it feels like this is just casual (and for your sake, I try to maintain that it is, because I know you don't want intensity right now) there is something in me screaming out that this is amazing. It's all so new, and yet so familiar. If this is love, I've been in love before. Except this still feels somehow different.
The memory of my previous boyfriends (when I was with them, thinking back over the time we'd spent together) would make me feel shivery and excited, awake, I suppose. You do that too, but in a different degree. It's all so much calmer. Particularly since we made the agreement that whilst you're away on holiday, we're allowed 'freedom'. I'm still not sure if I'm happy with that. Except, I am, because we've narrowed down the limits so that (in some way) I win. I come out on top, no matter what.
I'm so jealous though, I've never been jealous of my boyfriends' exes before, mainly because I've (deliberately?) gone out with guys for whom I am their first 'proper' girlfriend. And especially a girl like your ex. She's amazing, we all know that. And we all knew how crazy you two were about each other. I suppose I'm paranoid about the two of you because I don't understand how you can break up from such an intense relationship and yet remain friends, almost as though nothing's happened. It doesn't make sense. And the fact that she must have known exactly what she was doing, and how the two of you had so much 'experience' togeter. [editor's note: PG-13 stuff begins] Before I met you, I was (physically) innocent, in many ways. And yet, I'm not. It's all complicated, but I explained this to you, the first night we spent together. I'm terrified of guys with experience, and you know why. So we don't need to go into details. But you made it all safe. You made me feel protected, and even when I thought I was fine with everything, you picked up on the underlying terror I was feeling all along. How come you're so perceptive? I don't understand. So in some ways, I'm worried about this, because I feel so numb. I'm not used to this lack of, well, obsession. Normally when I'm crazy about someone, in the way I am about you, even the memory of kissing them, the memory of touching their hands, the way they looked at me at certain moments... those sorts of physical memories normally make part of me shiver, make me smile. Whereas with you, I'm almost physically numb. Is it because I'm scared? Because you know what you're doing? Because you've made it so... safe? Unless it's something deeper and this isn't right for me and I hadn't realised...[PG-13 stuff ends]
Except that it's definitely not that, because a few days ago, when we were talking and from something you were saying I was almost certain you were breaking up with me, I was terrified. I couldn't bear to lose you (already? After three weeks? Oh, my god. How pathetic must that seem?) And for instance, now, after I sent you that text at midnight last night, that slightly mad (creepy?) text telling you that I miss you already because you've gone on holiday and I might not see you for... oooh... a week? It's all true. I do miss you. I want you here, because when you are here, everything becomes so simple. Being in your arms, in your presence, the world makes sense. And now, of course, I'm terrified, because you haven't texted back. Maybe you've lost your phone - you can't have run out of credit, you're on contract - maybe your battery's died. Maybe you've already reached your destination and so you're busy, too busy to text. I don't know. But the lack of reply is making me feel anxious. I don't want you to think I'm crazy. Except that I am.
So yeah, your second girlfriend is also crazy. You do pick 'em, don't you.
Much love,
Cxxx
This is weird. I don't know if I'm in love with you, but I'm certainly completely and utterly crazy about you. Head-over-heels, taken by surprise. Can't quite believe it myself, if I'm honest. Because although it feels like this is just casual (and for your sake, I try to maintain that it is, because I know you don't want intensity right now) there is something in me screaming out that this is amazing. It's all so new, and yet so familiar. If this is love, I've been in love before. Except this still feels somehow different.
The memory of my previous boyfriends (when I was with them, thinking back over the time we'd spent together) would make me feel shivery and excited, awake, I suppose. You do that too, but in a different degree. It's all so much calmer. Particularly since we made the agreement that whilst you're away on holiday, we're allowed 'freedom'. I'm still not sure if I'm happy with that. Except, I am, because we've narrowed down the limits so that (in some way) I win. I come out on top, no matter what.
I'm so jealous though, I've never been jealous of my boyfriends' exes before, mainly because I've (deliberately?) gone out with guys for whom I am their first 'proper' girlfriend. And especially a girl like your ex. She's amazing, we all know that. And we all knew how crazy you two were about each other. I suppose I'm paranoid about the two of you because I don't understand how you can break up from such an intense relationship and yet remain friends, almost as though nothing's happened. It doesn't make sense. And the fact that she must have known exactly what she was doing, and how the two of you had so much 'experience' togeter. [editor's note: PG-13 stuff begins] Before I met you, I was (physically) innocent, in many ways. And yet, I'm not. It's all complicated, but I explained this to you, the first night we spent together. I'm terrified of guys with experience, and you know why. So we don't need to go into details. But you made it all safe. You made me feel protected, and even when I thought I was fine with everything, you picked up on the underlying terror I was feeling all along. How come you're so perceptive? I don't understand. So in some ways, I'm worried about this, because I feel so numb. I'm not used to this lack of, well, obsession. Normally when I'm crazy about someone, in the way I am about you, even the memory of kissing them, the memory of touching their hands, the way they looked at me at certain moments... those sorts of physical memories normally make part of me shiver, make me smile. Whereas with you, I'm almost physically numb. Is it because I'm scared? Because you know what you're doing? Because you've made it so... safe? Unless it's something deeper and this isn't right for me and I hadn't realised...[PG-13 stuff ends]
Except that it's definitely not that, because a few days ago, when we were talking and from something you were saying I was almost certain you were breaking up with me, I was terrified. I couldn't bear to lose you (already? After three weeks? Oh, my god. How pathetic must that seem?) And for instance, now, after I sent you that text at midnight last night, that slightly mad (creepy?) text telling you that I miss you already because you've gone on holiday and I might not see you for... oooh... a week? It's all true. I do miss you. I want you here, because when you are here, everything becomes so simple. Being in your arms, in your presence, the world makes sense. And now, of course, I'm terrified, because you haven't texted back. Maybe you've lost your phone - you can't have run out of credit, you're on contract - maybe your battery's died. Maybe you've already reached your destination and so you're busy, too busy to text. I don't know. But the lack of reply is making me feel anxious. I don't want you to think I'm crazy. Except that I am.
So yeah, your second girlfriend is also crazy. You do pick 'em, don't you.
Much love,
Cxxx
Saturday, July 26, 2008
To someone
Dear…I don’t even know who I’m writing this to.
No matter – I am determined to make this a love letter, and anyone who knows me would never doubt that I could. Your visionary spirit, it’s indomitable, they tell me. Some would call it blistering ambition. You can call it what you like. I like to believe that we cannot be found in texts of reference or facts blinking back like stone. We are limitless.
I do not know what a love letter is; I do not know what it should say, but I do not believe I need to know, because some things go deeper than words. There is no one person I write this to; this is for anyone who is the history, the present and the tomorrow of love. This is for anyone who drinks my words like water and lets them sustain, lets them touch something so raw we can only twist ourselves around the feeling and hold on; let it carry us over tides and rend itself in a great storm. This is for you. I want you to feel everything I say with the fervour of a flame consuming every thought, every idea that ever lifted itself off a page and came alive in your hands. We keep them in our pockets, little stone hearts that rattle to the tune of the red birds singing in cages of powder dry bone. Hold me before I fire because my words can cut deeper than any rock, and bodies are like spider-web in the wind. We are so fragile.
The edge of my breath is jagged as the cliffs I rip my hearts from – I know there will be nobody to read this when I’m done, because this is not made of crystal and my words shackle thoughts that will always be locked in me; they are mine only. I wish I could unroll the fabric of my dreams and let them trickle and flood silver and gold over gulfs of humanity – for we are apart even when we press hands, bodies, lips, hearts and minds together till there are no boundaries and a song of the ages sings in veins joined as one. But I cannot; and you cannot, either. Because I can only speak and minds can never truly meet. Because what I say struggles against the limit of meaning. Meaning is our constant – it lets us measure the world against words but what we didn’t know when we made them was that we were constricting our world into neat compartments – a pill a day, a label, a name; an idea buried in a box. It is up to us to set them free.
But the sorrow of being human was not what I wanted to kill. I want to kill all the pain of loving you and seeing myself skate like a reflection over your mind. I want to be more than your afterthought. I want this for everyone who has ever loved someone and not had an answering voice sing their harmony like a fragrant harbour to home to. I want this for everyone who has ever been lost, who has ever shed sea and blinked salt at something that bobs just beyond your fingers, anyone who has ever hurt and writhed and touched the centre of their capacity for pain. I do not know your measure until you show me your heart’s grief, but this is the flimsy comfort I can give you, for I am human and I am as frail as what I do.
Every moment with you is a strand that weaves the tapestry of my story – for I am the imprint of the people I meet. As the heartbeats tick down I clutch what I can to my chest, crush it with the fervour of my feeling because I cannot imbue you with what I feel. I walk heavy because we will have no tomorrow. You may be the space between my words but your silence starves me and my hunger is one for the ages – I could devour all of you and still be left wanting.
I’m sorry I spoke and I wish we weren’t written on our skin and walls that pulse with my blood – words line my veins and sway my heart so dangerously far it almost slips between my fingers. It’s a shackle reserved by time and it bolts me to the door I push, but I have peddled pity and nothing pays the price of the key. We weathered the sea but you forgot that I cannot float without you. I sank when you left but I couldn’t drown because you’d stolen my breath and I didn’t even know, because we don’t need to breathe under water.
You told me you loved me and it was the other head speaking a language I was too young to understand, so I chose not to listen.
You tell me I am god and it’s all I can do to straighten your facts like bookshelves as I say, I’m only a woman. You bathe in the salt of my tears and I shed them not for you but you knew that anyway. Words embrace me across the span of the globe and the threshold of distance flares for a second before sputtering in the ponderous wind. We weigh down and I do not tell you that every word I say is poetry because it cost me, and everything worth having is worth toiling for. I toiled beyond you. I thought I died for you but here I am, still so full of words each casting like a stone to skip over bodies (of water) and I wish I could fly that far, too.
I would tell you that my love is boundless but the very word holds everything I ever wanted to say to you, so I cannot.
I love you. That is all.
No matter – I am determined to make this a love letter, and anyone who knows me would never doubt that I could. Your visionary spirit, it’s indomitable, they tell me. Some would call it blistering ambition. You can call it what you like. I like to believe that we cannot be found in texts of reference or facts blinking back like stone. We are limitless.
I do not know what a love letter is; I do not know what it should say, but I do not believe I need to know, because some things go deeper than words. There is no one person I write this to; this is for anyone who is the history, the present and the tomorrow of love. This is for anyone who drinks my words like water and lets them sustain, lets them touch something so raw we can only twist ourselves around the feeling and hold on; let it carry us over tides and rend itself in a great storm. This is for you. I want you to feel everything I say with the fervour of a flame consuming every thought, every idea that ever lifted itself off a page and came alive in your hands. We keep them in our pockets, little stone hearts that rattle to the tune of the red birds singing in cages of powder dry bone. Hold me before I fire because my words can cut deeper than any rock, and bodies are like spider-web in the wind. We are so fragile.
The edge of my breath is jagged as the cliffs I rip my hearts from – I know there will be nobody to read this when I’m done, because this is not made of crystal and my words shackle thoughts that will always be locked in me; they are mine only. I wish I could unroll the fabric of my dreams and let them trickle and flood silver and gold over gulfs of humanity – for we are apart even when we press hands, bodies, lips, hearts and minds together till there are no boundaries and a song of the ages sings in veins joined as one. But I cannot; and you cannot, either. Because I can only speak and minds can never truly meet. Because what I say struggles against the limit of meaning. Meaning is our constant – it lets us measure the world against words but what we didn’t know when we made them was that we were constricting our world into neat compartments – a pill a day, a label, a name; an idea buried in a box. It is up to us to set them free.
But the sorrow of being human was not what I wanted to kill. I want to kill all the pain of loving you and seeing myself skate like a reflection over your mind. I want to be more than your afterthought. I want this for everyone who has ever loved someone and not had an answering voice sing their harmony like a fragrant harbour to home to. I want this for everyone who has ever been lost, who has ever shed sea and blinked salt at something that bobs just beyond your fingers, anyone who has ever hurt and writhed and touched the centre of their capacity for pain. I do not know your measure until you show me your heart’s grief, but this is the flimsy comfort I can give you, for I am human and I am as frail as what I do.
Every moment with you is a strand that weaves the tapestry of my story – for I am the imprint of the people I meet. As the heartbeats tick down I clutch what I can to my chest, crush it with the fervour of my feeling because I cannot imbue you with what I feel. I walk heavy because we will have no tomorrow. You may be the space between my words but your silence starves me and my hunger is one for the ages – I could devour all of you and still be left wanting.
I’m sorry I spoke and I wish we weren’t written on our skin and walls that pulse with my blood – words line my veins and sway my heart so dangerously far it almost slips between my fingers. It’s a shackle reserved by time and it bolts me to the door I push, but I have peddled pity and nothing pays the price of the key. We weathered the sea but you forgot that I cannot float without you. I sank when you left but I couldn’t drown because you’d stolen my breath and I didn’t even know, because we don’t need to breathe under water.
You told me you loved me and it was the other head speaking a language I was too young to understand, so I chose not to listen.
You tell me I am god and it’s all I can do to straighten your facts like bookshelves as I say, I’m only a woman. You bathe in the salt of my tears and I shed them not for you but you knew that anyway. Words embrace me across the span of the globe and the threshold of distance flares for a second before sputtering in the ponderous wind. We weigh down and I do not tell you that every word I say is poetry because it cost me, and everything worth having is worth toiling for. I toiled beyond you. I thought I died for you but here I am, still so full of words each casting like a stone to skip over bodies (of water) and I wish I could fly that far, too.
I would tell you that my love is boundless but the very word holds everything I ever wanted to say to you, so I cannot.
I love you. That is all.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
To Carly
Carly,
It saddens me
To see my precedent
So often set by
Those to whom life
Is a game,
A hunt -
And they the hunters.
I hope these keytooth lines
Each find a tumbler in your mind,
Push back the bars of that vault
So its lock can freely turn,
Releasing all the dream-things within.
By connecting the dots
Of soft white light -
Stars
In your constellation
You have shown me -
I see parts
Of a picture
That give me hope
Of seeing its entirety.
Love of an unidentified sort,
Eldon
It saddens me
To see my precedent
So often set by
Those to whom life
Is a game,
A hunt -
And they the hunters.
I hope these keytooth lines
Each find a tumbler in your mind,
Push back the bars of that vault
So its lock can freely turn,
Releasing all the dream-things within.
By connecting the dots
Of soft white light -
Stars
In your constellation
You have shown me -
I see parts
Of a picture
That give me hope
Of seeing its entirety.
Love of an unidentified sort,
Eldon
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
To Luna
Luna -
So I might not be in love with you, but I do love you and it is a pleasure to know you. You are beautiful inside and out, and I appreciate the trust you have placed in me. I will not betray or tarnish it. You are open and honest and even as you hide nothing, you have nothing that should be hidden.
You have many burdens to bear - even some that are not yours - and you bear them with a smile. I respect that so much. Please be assured there are those of us willing to help with them.
Love,
Eldon
So I might not be in love with you, but I do love you and it is a pleasure to know you. You are beautiful inside and out, and I appreciate the trust you have placed in me. I will not betray or tarnish it. You are open and honest and even as you hide nothing, you have nothing that should be hidden.
You have many burdens to bear - even some that are not yours - and you bear them with a smile. I respect that so much. Please be assured there are those of us willing to help with them.
Love,
Eldon
Sunday, July 20, 2008
To Someone
Dear Someone~
Wow. The time passed so quickly. It seems like nothing like that could ever happen to me again. I hate that feeling. The entire time was just amazing. There's no other word. Trust, me I've tried to find other words to describe what we had. There simply aren't any.
You were my boyfriend, best friend, everything. Sadly none of that exists any more. I wish it did. Any of it. To have that connection with you again would make everything easier for me. So why did it end? For obvious reasons of course.
I just wish you could still be my best friend. The problem with that is, best friends can trust each other. I can't trust you any more. Stupid things that happened two months ago did that to us. I hate that something so small can tear us apart... If I would've known sooner... Things would be different. We would still be best friends and you wouldn't feel like ****. I wish I could make you feel better about yourself, but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do any more. It's in your hands. But I suppose it's your fault you feel like ****, anyway.
I don't mean I'm blaming you for what happened. That wouldn't be fair. I mean that if you would've told me in the first place, you would've only felt like **** for a couple days instead of a couple months. Probably more. For all I know, you still feel terrible even though I told You I'm over it. And I am.
I wasn't actually upset about what happened. That wasn't really too bad. I'm upset that you thought you couldn't trust me to still be there for you. And I'm upset because I gave you my heart and my trust, which took a long time for me to give, you know that, and you broke both of them in one swoop.
Now it's only going to be harder for me to trust guys in the future. Before I didn't really have any reason to disbelieve or be afraid of giving away my heart and my trust, and it took me almost a month and a half for me to give them to you. Now I'm afraid how long it'll take for me to trust in the future.
I guess the thing that really kills me is that you were my absolute best friend. That girl, you know which one I'm talking about, who claims to be my best friend is far too shallow to be more than an aquaintance to anyone. And you... You were there for me in so many ways whenever I needed you. When that crap happened with my sister, you were there. We weren't even dating then, but you were there for me. When I just needed someone to remind me that I mattered, you made me feel like the most important person in the world. I'm sure you'll still be there for me, but it's just not the same.
The thing that killed me the most about all of this was that I loved you, but I couldn't tell you. Not because I didn't want to or because I had some mental block, but because the timing just wasn't right and it would only make everything even more complicated.
Maybe someday our paths will collide again.
I love you.
~Stargirl
Wow. The time passed so quickly. It seems like nothing like that could ever happen to me again. I hate that feeling. The entire time was just amazing. There's no other word. Trust, me I've tried to find other words to describe what we had. There simply aren't any.
You were my boyfriend, best friend, everything. Sadly none of that exists any more. I wish it did. Any of it. To have that connection with you again would make everything easier for me. So why did it end? For obvious reasons of course.
I just wish you could still be my best friend. The problem with that is, best friends can trust each other. I can't trust you any more. Stupid things that happened two months ago did that to us. I hate that something so small can tear us apart... If I would've known sooner... Things would be different. We would still be best friends and you wouldn't feel like ****. I wish I could make you feel better about yourself, but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do any more. It's in your hands. But I suppose it's your fault you feel like ****, anyway.
I don't mean I'm blaming you for what happened. That wouldn't be fair. I mean that if you would've told me in the first place, you would've only felt like **** for a couple days instead of a couple months. Probably more. For all I know, you still feel terrible even though I told You I'm over it. And I am.
I wasn't actually upset about what happened. That wasn't really too bad. I'm upset that you thought you couldn't trust me to still be there for you. And I'm upset because I gave you my heart and my trust, which took a long time for me to give, you know that, and you broke both of them in one swoop.
Now it's only going to be harder for me to trust guys in the future. Before I didn't really have any reason to disbelieve or be afraid of giving away my heart and my trust, and it took me almost a month and a half for me to give them to you. Now I'm afraid how long it'll take for me to trust in the future.
I guess the thing that really kills me is that you were my absolute best friend. That girl, you know which one I'm talking about, who claims to be my best friend is far too shallow to be more than an aquaintance to anyone. And you... You were there for me in so many ways whenever I needed you. When that crap happened with my sister, you were there. We weren't even dating then, but you were there for me. When I just needed someone to remind me that I mattered, you made me feel like the most important person in the world. I'm sure you'll still be there for me, but it's just not the same.
The thing that killed me the most about all of this was that I loved you, but I couldn't tell you. Not because I didn't want to or because I had some mental block, but because the timing just wasn't right and it would only make everything even more complicated.
Maybe someday our paths will collide again.
I love you.
~Stargirl
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
To someone
It's 1:10 AM. It...perturbs? me that my mind spins these wispy things when I try to fall asleep more than it does when I'm awake. I'm reminded of cotton candy - whirling and spinning ethereal fleece.
Maybe it's the quiet. The night often seems subdued to me, as if darkness softens things.
I find it odd I'm journaling to you. I don't know who you are.
Danea? A good chunk of tonight was spent remembering that afternoon in a coffee shop. Even though my mind has resigned itself to your decision, my heart holds out hope. Sitting across from you, wistfully dreaming of how idyllic it could be, asking questions of you about yourself and receiveing answers my heart could have given...but I suspect that once again I go too far.
Wendy - of course you remain the current...(my mind hits a block here. Some might say "object," but I don't wish to use that word to refer to you.) The current recipient of my infatuation? I suppose that memory of time with Danea came up because at the time I felt like I was being shown my peak of happiness. You have expanded my horizons and given me hope (awareness?) of summits I have yet to reach. You have given me many seeds I want to aid to flourishment with care - though I think the least beautiful of the sprouted plants would be a flower possessed of beauty to rival...well, I can think of few things beautiful right now that I do not associate with you (and might thus make an unillustrative comparison). I know such things can be and are found with (and in the hearts and minds of) family and other friends, but these hours strike me as well home to the stuff of dreams.
I still have a pocket heavy with seeds, but perhaps another morning. My body limits my pencil's breath again.
Love,
Eldon/Satyesu
Maybe it's the quiet. The night often seems subdued to me, as if darkness softens things.
I find it odd I'm journaling to you. I don't know who you are.
Danea? A good chunk of tonight was spent remembering that afternoon in a coffee shop. Even though my mind has resigned itself to your decision, my heart holds out hope. Sitting across from you, wistfully dreaming of how idyllic it could be, asking questions of you about yourself and receiveing answers my heart could have given...but I suspect that once again I go too far.
Wendy - of course you remain the current...(my mind hits a block here. Some might say "object," but I don't wish to use that word to refer to you.) The current recipient of my infatuation? I suppose that memory of time with Danea came up because at the time I felt like I was being shown my peak of happiness. You have expanded my horizons and given me hope (awareness?) of summits I have yet to reach. You have given me many seeds I want to aid to flourishment with care - though I think the least beautiful of the sprouted plants would be a flower possessed of beauty to rival...well, I can think of few things beautiful right now that I do not associate with you (and might thus make an unillustrative comparison). I know such things can be and are found with (and in the hearts and minds of) family and other friends, but these hours strike me as well home to the stuff of dreams.
I still have a pocket heavy with seeds, but perhaps another morning. My body limits my pencil's breath again.
Love,
Eldon/Satyesu
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
To my divine
To my divine,
As I write this inadequate letter in regards to our evergrowing - everstrong passion, I ponder the day that our eyes once again meet and the flow of compassion and lust burts from within the center of my cold heart, pumping compassion and an almost obsession-like attraction through my pulsing vains. I can only dream of what that day will bring, though I am positive that whatever comes our way will be more than satisfactory to even the up-most dignified romantic.
My passion for you burns with a cool black flame, remaining dorment within my chest until the moment our lips touch. I have never in my life loved anyone or anything as much as I love you, this I am certain of, though all else in life I am not. All I can think about is the extravagant view of your perfection. Some might say nobody is perfect, well, your not nobody. Your everything I could've ever hoped to EVER have in this lifetime, or any others for that matter.
I know that my writing is a bit off at the moment, but I'm writing this as the thoughts come to mind, no alterations, no undos. Only the passion as it leaves my soul through my words and voice. It's almost ridiculous how hard it is find to find words even minutely close to being worthy of your grace and beauty. That might sound a bit far-fetched at first, but take my word for it. It's all true. I can't possibly hope to think of a word, there simply isn't one. Perfect just doesn't cut it. You're a goddess all your own, and deserve to be treated like such. However, saying such might seem obsessive, but where does the line between love and obsession even begin? What is obsession? Who knows, I do not, that is for certain.
I love you Erica Jade, and I'm starting to think that I'm running out of things to write, or maybe that's just my body trying to fight it's way out of more typing, who knows. I've truly fallen for you, in all senses of the word. Meeting you has changed my life forever. It's almost as if my world has lost it's grasp on the orbit it once had on pain and suffering and found itself revolving around your grace. I'll say it again, and again, and continue saying it until my last breath leaves my body, and even then I will get the message across, I love you Erica Jade. I love you. Don't you ever forget that, I will always love you.
I've run out of things to write, or have I? No, it's just that I like to conserve my thoughts for later times. If I spill them all out at once, what will that leave me with? We can't have that now, can we? In this, I shall conclude this inadequate letter. It may be ill-written, but it's straight from the heart, fresh from the mind.
Forever and always, yours truly - Justin Alber
As I write this inadequate letter in regards to our evergrowing - everstrong passion, I ponder the day that our eyes once again meet and the flow of compassion and lust burts from within the center of my cold heart, pumping compassion and an almost obsession-like attraction through my pulsing vains. I can only dream of what that day will bring, though I am positive that whatever comes our way will be more than satisfactory to even the up-most dignified romantic.
My passion for you burns with a cool black flame, remaining dorment within my chest until the moment our lips touch. I have never in my life loved anyone or anything as much as I love you, this I am certain of, though all else in life I am not. All I can think about is the extravagant view of your perfection. Some might say nobody is perfect, well, your not nobody. Your everything I could've ever hoped to EVER have in this lifetime, or any others for that matter.
I know that my writing is a bit off at the moment, but I'm writing this as the thoughts come to mind, no alterations, no undos. Only the passion as it leaves my soul through my words and voice. It's almost ridiculous how hard it is find to find words even minutely close to being worthy of your grace and beauty. That might sound a bit far-fetched at first, but take my word for it. It's all true. I can't possibly hope to think of a word, there simply isn't one. Perfect just doesn't cut it. You're a goddess all your own, and deserve to be treated like such. However, saying such might seem obsessive, but where does the line between love and obsession even begin? What is obsession? Who knows, I do not, that is for certain.
I love you Erica Jade, and I'm starting to think that I'm running out of things to write, or maybe that's just my body trying to fight it's way out of more typing, who knows. I've truly fallen for you, in all senses of the word. Meeting you has changed my life forever. It's almost as if my world has lost it's grasp on the orbit it once had on pain and suffering and found itself revolving around your grace. I'll say it again, and again, and continue saying it until my last breath leaves my body, and even then I will get the message across, I love you Erica Jade. I love you. Don't you ever forget that, I will always love you.
I've run out of things to write, or have I? No, it's just that I like to conserve my thoughts for later times. If I spill them all out at once, what will that leave me with? We can't have that now, can we? In this, I shall conclude this inadequate letter. It may be ill-written, but it's straight from the heart, fresh from the mind.
Forever and always, yours truly - Justin Alber
Saturday, July 12, 2008
To Danea
I don’t know if I’ll ever send this to you. I don’t know if it is or ever will be welcome. I want to remember, though, this amazing feeling I have right now.
I’ve had a girlfriend before; it was she that made the initial offer. Looking back with the typical 20/20 hindsight, I didn’t really love her. I’ve said before that you seem to me to have a good heart and a dreamer’s mind. After talking to you today, I’m convinced. I cannot tell you how much I would love, if you’re the person I have no reason to believe you aren’t, to someday come home to an apartment and the woman of my dreams with an up-and-coming band playing in the coffee shop downstairs, and go down to listen to the music, chat with customers, and watch people pass by the window. I can think of few things that would be better. I don’t expect that, mind; I daydream about it. Maybe someday. I feel like I want to spend every waking moment with you. It’s fine if you don’t return the thoughts, but I think I’ll send this to you to try to relate how much you mean to me and how much I enjoyed spending time with you today. Again, I know this is a lot very fast, but I don’t want to commit to each other for life right now; I want to place as few limits on our relationship as we should and see where it goes. I know you believe that love is a once-in-a-lifetime commitment, but I think that is true love, and one can have many loves beforehand. With that assumption in my mind, I love you so, so much. Please feel free to read this and not respond, but I hope you appreciate it. I’m sorry to keep pestering you with this. I know you said you’re not interested in a relationship with anyone right now. I can wait, and if you ever change your mind, please let me know.
I’ve had a girlfriend before; it was she that made the initial offer. Looking back with the typical 20/20 hindsight, I didn’t really love her. I’ve said before that you seem to me to have a good heart and a dreamer’s mind. After talking to you today, I’m convinced. I cannot tell you how much I would love, if you’re the person I have no reason to believe you aren’t, to someday come home to an apartment and the woman of my dreams with an up-and-coming band playing in the coffee shop downstairs, and go down to listen to the music, chat with customers, and watch people pass by the window. I can think of few things that would be better. I don’t expect that, mind; I daydream about it. Maybe someday. I feel like I want to spend every waking moment with you. It’s fine if you don’t return the thoughts, but I think I’ll send this to you to try to relate how much you mean to me and how much I enjoyed spending time with you today. Again, I know this is a lot very fast, but I don’t want to commit to each other for life right now; I want to place as few limits on our relationship as we should and see where it goes. I know you believe that love is a once-in-a-lifetime commitment, but I think that is true love, and one can have many loves beforehand. With that assumption in my mind, I love you so, so much. Please feel free to read this and not respond, but I hope you appreciate it. I’m sorry to keep pestering you with this. I know you said you’re not interested in a relationship with anyone right now. I can wait, and if you ever change your mind, please let me know.
To Daze
Daze –
Here’s dreaming that maybe someday we’ll look at the fact that the first letter posted on this site was to you and smile at each other.
I want to thank you again (I’m not sure I can express in words how emphatically I want to) for giving my mind a run for its money as I try to follow yours in its fluttering. Every time we alight on a topic it buoys my mood higher until I reach a euphoria I find with no one else. The rush and the release of tension I feel are hard to describe in other terms. My anxieties seem to melt.
I know we are half a world apart – as I described in a mathematical analogy few people, I suspect, would receive as you did – but the affinity I feel in you through this copper and silicon makes me feel closer to you than I have been to a friend in a long time. I can and do share my tawdry musings and introspections that play profound with you, and I love to savor every nugget of intellectual fertilizer (excuse the awkward metaphor, please) I encounter with you.
It’s rare that I say something and fumble with the expression to find that the person with whom I speak already understands what I intend to mean and has thought the same thought before. In this instance, too, I hope you know what I try to describe.
I appreciate the generous helping of attention you donate to me. I trust your reason and I ask that you continue to appraise every option. You spoke to me yesterday about taking life’s boons as gifts and to not expect them, so I will hold a certain amount of thought on this until your eagerly awaited reply. I am already anticipating our next meeting of minds…I am reminded of the Sistine Chapel - Adam about to touch God.
Here’s dreaming that maybe someday we’ll look at the fact that the first letter posted on this site was to you and smile at each other.
I want to thank you again (I’m not sure I can express in words how emphatically I want to) for giving my mind a run for its money as I try to follow yours in its fluttering. Every time we alight on a topic it buoys my mood higher until I reach a euphoria I find with no one else. The rush and the release of tension I feel are hard to describe in other terms. My anxieties seem to melt.
I know we are half a world apart – as I described in a mathematical analogy few people, I suspect, would receive as you did – but the affinity I feel in you through this copper and silicon makes me feel closer to you than I have been to a friend in a long time. I can and do share my tawdry musings and introspections that play profound with you, and I love to savor every nugget of intellectual fertilizer (excuse the awkward metaphor, please) I encounter with you.
It’s rare that I say something and fumble with the expression to find that the person with whom I speak already understands what I intend to mean and has thought the same thought before. In this instance, too, I hope you know what I try to describe.
I appreciate the generous helping of attention you donate to me. I trust your reason and I ask that you continue to appraise every option. You spoke to me yesterday about taking life’s boons as gifts and to not expect them, so I will hold a certain amount of thought on this until your eagerly awaited reply. I am already anticipating our next meeting of minds…I am reminded of the Sistine Chapel - Adam about to touch God.
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