To he that will never know

To he that will never know,

You know me. We’ve met. We’re friends, even, and I’m sure we’ll see each other many many times in the future. I wouldn’t want it any other way, except…

I knew you before then. Sort of. We’ve been in some of the same theater productions, and then, that one time we were councilors together for the theater camp. It was so much fun, you, our two other friends, and myself, all hanging out doing something we all enjoyed.

You have to understand that I don’t just fall for guys. Love at first sight is a romantic idea, and I wish (oh how I wish) that might happen to me someday, but it hasn’t happened yet. I have to get to know them first, and even then, my affections are slow to grow… cautious even. Is my new friend already taken? Although one can still love another even if they are taken (that is the basis behind many a tragic love story) but I am afraid that, well, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get my hopes up over someone just to find out that they do not feel the same way and will probably never feel the same way, therefore leaving me behind in the dust with my own muddy thoughts. I’m afraid that even bringing up the subject of a relationship would ruin everything… not that I could probably ever find the courage to bring up such a topic… so I wait. I watch and wait.

Unlike the boys at my school, you were always the gentleman, always polite, and always so congenial. For someone like me, who goes by personality, you were an A+ in my book. You fit just about everything I could think of in my idea of the perfect guy. You were easy to talk to, and we councilors did have so much fun that summer. And then, as that camp’s end began to loom, I started to feel something… something more than before. You always could bring a smile to my face when we talked, but I started to smile just at the thought of you. Seeing you made might heart flutter, just the slightest bit. And suddenly, it became harder for me to talk to you. I started to get nervous about talking with you. How could I speak to you when at any moment I might say something that would reveal my thoughts and feelings to the world? Should I just tell you? No, I didn’t (and still don’t) have the courage to tell you my feelings I had at that time.

I also had a dream about you one night. You and I were so close, but in the end, so very far apart. I dreaded the meaning of the dream, for I had the feeling it was trying to tell me something important. And I didn’t want to hear what it had to say. Not knowing what to do, I turned to a friend, and asked what I should do, and in one simple reply, I learned something about you that I had never known before. Apparently, I did not know you as well as I had thought.

Looking back on it, I feel stupid for having not seen it before. Not to judge, but it was rather obvious, had I been looking. Love can sometimes leave us blind, I guess. Simply by being yourself, we were never meant to be together, and that little flutter of hope inside me fell crashing to the ground.

I think I did love you. My first ever real crush. Now I think I know why they call it a ‘crush.’ Because though it’s sweet like the orange soda, it’s easily shattered like the glass containing it. But I cannot hold a grudge. Would I really want you to be anyone but who you are? No. We’re still friends. And you will never know that I once entertained the hope that it might be otherwise. And that is fine. And though a my heart still aches a little every time I see you now, I smile for you. I put on my mask. I’d rather you stayed ignorant of this fact and stayed happy than find out and be saddened by my pain. (Or am I more afraid that you wouldn’t be sorry at all?) You still mean enough to me that I wouldn’t want to cause you pain. You’re my friend. And that’s how it will stay.

I realize this story is rather pitiful when compared to just about any other love story, and this isn’t so much a love letter as a sad story about a girl who fell for the wrong guy, but I still can’t help but imagine what would have happened had I told you… would you have changed? Probably not, but I can dream…

~ By one who is lost in the darkness of confusion