Before I begin, I will point out that you may and very well should find this letter out of line. At first, I had no intention of writing to you, but I cannot seem to get you off of my mind. It is like an addiction, and your words are my drug. The thoughts of you in my mind grow stronger every time we speak, and even more so when we cannot.
With this, it is here that I speak to you of my true feelings.
Ever since we first exchanged words, I have been completely entranced by your demeanor. The ways you perceive life's sweet mysteries with such fearlessness inspires me to do the same. You're never afraid to say what you think to be true, and are not fazed by the possibility that you're wrong (or right, for that matter). And although there's a slim chance that I'll obtain the same fluency with words and thoughts as you do, your persistence and drive are always a source of encouragement.
Now, it seems that although we have only known each other a few weeks, my feelings have blossomed into something insuppressible, something that makes my insides ache with want, something (dare I call it Love?) that makes me think of nothing but us together, against everything that stands in our way. And even though there are quite a few things that rest between us, I cannot help but daydream about crushing those walls and crusading into the seamless day, just the two of us. Together.
Okay, so I know that sounds cliché; however, it seems that my mind cannot wrap itself around the proper words (never mind putting them into coherent sentences). I'm beginning to come to the realization that for you, there are no words.
There truly is nothing that I can say that would possibly encompass everything that I feel and think in regards to you.
And I must say, it takes someone pretty powerful to do that.
Anyways, let me continue.
Something to look forward to.
Ever since I first spoke with you, although it wasn't long ago as I said before, this is what you've given me. Every time I open my eyes I hope that maybe, just maybe you'll be there to intercept my gaze. And when you are? Well, then I never really know what to do with myself. I wish that it would happen, and when it does, it's like I didn't think it ever would. You catch me by surprise, every time.
And I think I'm in love with you.
I'm not really sure. I don't think I've ever been in love before. How am I supposed to know what it feels like? Ah well. I don't have a word for this feeling yet, so I guess for now that's what it'll be called. Love.
Although… I'm not sure how I could be in love with you, even if I am. How close are you supposed to be with a person before you know if you're in love with them? You seem nice enough, and we seem to share similar tastes. Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself. I tend to do that a lot.
You're one of the only people in the world I can truly talk about anything with. And of those people, you're the only one I've felt this strongly about. (May I also mention that upon speaking to you about these various topics, you receive them with superior poise and never leave me with nothing for advice?) For this, I am most grateful.
I hope I do not scare you away with my words, but rather, it is my wish that you will accept them for what they are: the truth.
It would be too much to ask that you feel the same way, for I know that you chart your own course and I would hate for you to do something that went against what you felt was right. My only wish is to get to know you even better than I do now and maybe someday…
Well, I'll leave that for later.
I shall end for now and in looking forward to speaking to you again, I give to you all of my love, in hopes you will receive it.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
To he that will never know
To he that will never know,
You know me. We’ve met. We’re friends, even, and I’m sure we’ll see each other many many times in the future. I wouldn’t want it any other way, except…
I knew you before then. Sort of. We’ve been in some of the same theater productions, and then, that one time we were councilors together for the theater camp. It was so much fun, you, our two other friends, and myself, all hanging out doing something we all enjoyed.
You have to understand that I don’t just fall for guys. Love at first sight is a romantic idea, and I wish (oh how I wish) that might happen to me someday, but it hasn’t happened yet. I have to get to know them first, and even then, my affections are slow to grow… cautious even. Is my new friend already taken? Although one can still love another even if they are taken (that is the basis behind many a tragic love story) but I am afraid that, well, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get my hopes up over someone just to find out that they do not feel the same way and will probably never feel the same way, therefore leaving me behind in the dust with my own muddy thoughts. I’m afraid that even bringing up the subject of a relationship would ruin everything… not that I could probably ever find the courage to bring up such a topic… so I wait. I watch and wait.
Unlike the boys at my school, you were always the gentleman, always polite, and always so congenial. For someone like me, who goes by personality, you were an A+ in my book. You fit just about everything I could think of in my idea of the perfect guy. You were easy to talk to, and we councilors did have so much fun that summer. And then, as that camp’s end began to loom, I started to feel something… something more than before. You always could bring a smile to my face when we talked, but I started to smile just at the thought of you. Seeing you made might heart flutter, just the slightest bit. And suddenly, it became harder for me to talk to you. I started to get nervous about talking with you. How could I speak to you when at any moment I might say something that would reveal my thoughts and feelings to the world? Should I just tell you? No, I didn’t (and still don’t) have the courage to tell you my feelings I had at that time.
I also had a dream about you one night. You and I were so close, but in the end, so very far apart. I dreaded the meaning of the dream, for I had the feeling it was trying to tell me something important. And I didn’t want to hear what it had to say. Not knowing what to do, I turned to a friend, and asked what I should do, and in one simple reply, I learned something about you that I had never known before. Apparently, I did not know you as well as I had thought.
Looking back on it, I feel stupid for having not seen it before. Not to judge, but it was rather obvious, had I been looking. Love can sometimes leave us blind, I guess. Simply by being yourself, we were never meant to be together, and that little flutter of hope inside me fell crashing to the ground.
I think I did love you. My first ever real crush. Now I think I know why they call it a ‘crush.’ Because though it’s sweet like the orange soda, it’s easily shattered like the glass containing it. But I cannot hold a grudge. Would I really want you to be anyone but who you are? No. We’re still friends. And you will never know that I once entertained the hope that it might be otherwise. And that is fine. And though a my heart still aches a little every time I see you now, I smile for you. I put on my mask. I’d rather you stayed ignorant of this fact and stayed happy than find out and be saddened by my pain. (Or am I more afraid that you wouldn’t be sorry at all?) You still mean enough to me that I wouldn’t want to cause you pain. You’re my friend. And that’s how it will stay.
I realize this story is rather pitiful when compared to just about any other love story, and this isn’t so much a love letter as a sad story about a girl who fell for the wrong guy, but I still can’t help but imagine what would have happened had I told you… would you have changed? Probably not, but I can dream…
~ By one who is lost in the darkness of confusion
You know me. We’ve met. We’re friends, even, and I’m sure we’ll see each other many many times in the future. I wouldn’t want it any other way, except…
I knew you before then. Sort of. We’ve been in some of the same theater productions, and then, that one time we were councilors together for the theater camp. It was so much fun, you, our two other friends, and myself, all hanging out doing something we all enjoyed.
You have to understand that I don’t just fall for guys. Love at first sight is a romantic idea, and I wish (oh how I wish) that might happen to me someday, but it hasn’t happened yet. I have to get to know them first, and even then, my affections are slow to grow… cautious even. Is my new friend already taken? Although one can still love another even if they are taken (that is the basis behind many a tragic love story) but I am afraid that, well, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get my hopes up over someone just to find out that they do not feel the same way and will probably never feel the same way, therefore leaving me behind in the dust with my own muddy thoughts. I’m afraid that even bringing up the subject of a relationship would ruin everything… not that I could probably ever find the courage to bring up such a topic… so I wait. I watch and wait.
Unlike the boys at my school, you were always the gentleman, always polite, and always so congenial. For someone like me, who goes by personality, you were an A+ in my book. You fit just about everything I could think of in my idea of the perfect guy. You were easy to talk to, and we councilors did have so much fun that summer. And then, as that camp’s end began to loom, I started to feel something… something more than before. You always could bring a smile to my face when we talked, but I started to smile just at the thought of you. Seeing you made might heart flutter, just the slightest bit. And suddenly, it became harder for me to talk to you. I started to get nervous about talking with you. How could I speak to you when at any moment I might say something that would reveal my thoughts and feelings to the world? Should I just tell you? No, I didn’t (and still don’t) have the courage to tell you my feelings I had at that time.
I also had a dream about you one night. You and I were so close, but in the end, so very far apart. I dreaded the meaning of the dream, for I had the feeling it was trying to tell me something important. And I didn’t want to hear what it had to say. Not knowing what to do, I turned to a friend, and asked what I should do, and in one simple reply, I learned something about you that I had never known before. Apparently, I did not know you as well as I had thought.
Looking back on it, I feel stupid for having not seen it before. Not to judge, but it was rather obvious, had I been looking. Love can sometimes leave us blind, I guess. Simply by being yourself, we were never meant to be together, and that little flutter of hope inside me fell crashing to the ground.
I think I did love you. My first ever real crush. Now I think I know why they call it a ‘crush.’ Because though it’s sweet like the orange soda, it’s easily shattered like the glass containing it. But I cannot hold a grudge. Would I really want you to be anyone but who you are? No. We’re still friends. And you will never know that I once entertained the hope that it might be otherwise. And that is fine. And though a my heart still aches a little every time I see you now, I smile for you. I put on my mask. I’d rather you stayed ignorant of this fact and stayed happy than find out and be saddened by my pain. (Or am I more afraid that you wouldn’t be sorry at all?) You still mean enough to me that I wouldn’t want to cause you pain. You’re my friend. And that’s how it will stay.
I realize this story is rather pitiful when compared to just about any other love story, and this isn’t so much a love letter as a sad story about a girl who fell for the wrong guy, but I still can’t help but imagine what would have happened had I told you… would you have changed? Probably not, but I can dream…
~ By one who is lost in the darkness of confusion
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