To that that one special guy

To that one special guy-

I still love you. Lord knows I've tried to deny it, I tell myself almost every morning that it's all over. That I look at you and don't feel anything anymore. But then we joke and you look at me with that smile, and I know that I'm right back where I started. My heart pounds when I get close to you, when I "accidentally" brush up against you. One thing I've learned through the last few years that I've known you and loved you is that I'm a very jealous person. Sometimes I think you treat me different than the other girls, and it makes me feel special. But then I see you being the same with some other girl that you are with me, and I resent her. I've always wanted you just for me, to be my boy. It's so hard for me because I know you'll never feel the same way about me that I do about you. I never want to lose our friendship, it's become one of the most treasured things in my life. It's just sometimes I still wish that you'd look at me the way I look at you. That you'd think of me of more than just another friend, that I'd have some sort of special place in your heart. I know you've probably seen me do some pretty stupid stuff, but that's what happens when you start running out of ways to get closer to someone you're already incredibly close to. I just think that if I could get a little closer you'd see me in a different light. You'd see me as someone you could trust and someone you could give all your love to. You're without a doubt the most amazing person I've ever met in my life. You're funny and talented and you have a great moral character. You know when to be silly and when to be serious, you really know who you are and what you believe in. That's something I've always admired about you, you really seem to know who you are, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you. Then I told you how I felt, through a letter, like now. Your reaction was surprising at best. You didn't even acknowledge it, but you were visibly uncomfortable. You never said a word, one way or the other. Then it just kind of disappeared, and I was grateful. We could still be friends and I’d have nothing to worry about. It's been killing me since Freshman year to see you with all these other girls and wonder if there was something there. Then you started dating her. I must admit, I didn't see that one coming. Of all the girls I had been watching over the last two years I never suspected her. This was after you knew how I felt about you. It was a strange feeling, knowing that I had feelings for you at the same time you were developing feelings for her. And then you broke up, and I secretly celebrated. My heart, which refused to give up despite my will, was back in the game. And so it went, through this year. I still wished, I still made up things to see, like you flirting with me, starting to feel for me. I decided to set my sights on other guys, but I never felt the way I do about you, I knew I couldn’t deny it anymore. I still liked you... a lot. But I decided to bury it all and just go on the way we have been, only an idiot would ruin such a great friendship. Now my sights have been unconsciously set on another girl. Do you like her? Does she like you? I don’t know, but to me it sure seems that way. I wish I didn’t care, I wish I could just be your friend and be happy with it. But something inside me keeps telling me that I’m meant for you. I know it sounds crazy, it does to me too, but it’s the way I feel. And I know that it will never go away. You’ll probably never read this, because I don’t want ruin what we already have. Heck, I don’t even know how much you care about me, even as a friend. I don’t know what I am to you, and sometimes I’m not sure what you are to me. Maybe it’s best to just leave it alone and let myself think that you’re just a good friend. Maybe now I’ll be able to move on. I hope. But probably not.